TW: Misgendering, Deadnaming, Gender dysphoria, LGBTQIA+ discrimination, Identity confusion, Fear of societal rejection, Emotional distress, Anxiety about future and relationships, Struggles with self-acceptance and coming out
My grandpa came outside into the backyard and told me that my younger cousin is going to quit his job at [insert job here], and he is going to go work at another place, so my grandpa told me that I could go work at [insert job here]. He said that I could fill out the application online, or I could tell my younger cousin that I’m going to go in person, and my younger cousin can tell his manager to look out for somebody with my name.
That kind of made me sad, because I knew he was thinking about my birth name, and it made me feel bad because my name isn’t [dead name], it’s Rowan.
My name is Rowan, and it has always been Rowan. My name has never once been [dead name]. Sometimes it’s Jayden, but like, 99% of the time, my name is Rowan.
I don’t want to get a job or get an ID because I don’t want people to know or see me as my birth gender. I don’t want my ID to say “female”. I want it to say “male”.
I cut my hair and wear baggy clothes because I thought it would dampen the female parts of my body and appearance, but somehow, to me it only emphasizes it.
I was watching a YouTube video where the YouTuber was talking about a video game character’s ex-girlfriend, and it just made me super insecure because I want to have a partner, but I’m sort of incapable of having feelings for somebody in a romantic context. I want to date someone; I want to be in love with someone, but I just can’t get myself to have those feelings for them.
To make matters worse, all over my YouTube short page is Brett Cooper. She is basically the female version of Ben Shapiro, and everybody in her comment section was agreeing with her about how the LGBTQIA+ community is horrible and how the parents are horrible, toxic people for letting their AMAB children wear dresses and they were being sexist to women.
Most, if not all, transgender people tend to start exploring their identity when they are children or when they hit puberty. It’s chemicals inside your brain saying that you don’t want to be this or that you like [this] instead of [this]. You’re born this way. It’s not something that you choose to be.
I’m not a boy or girl; I’m just me, and I like all genders. What’s wrong with wanting to wear boys’ clothes? What’s wrong with wanting to go by gender-neutral terms? What’s wrong with having crushes on people for their personalities and not what’s inside their pants? What’s wrong with any of that?
One of my biggest fears—the thing that has been eating at me for the last couple hours—is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life as a woman who is married to a man. I don’t want to be seen as that—I don’t want to live my life as that.
Yeah, I’m pansexual; I will literally date anyone of any gender identity, because I care more about our emotional connection, their personality, and their appearance than what genitalia they have or their gender identity, but being a woman in a heterosexual relationship is just something I don’t want to be outwardly seen as.
I don’t know what about being seen, as CisHet is so gross to me. I guess it’s just the ‘being seen as a woman’ part, because I’m not a woman, but I’m also not a man. I know I keep saying this, but I’m just me. I guess I am non-binary instead of genderfluid. Since I’m not a man, a woman, or anything else really,.
I guess it’s just the feeling of being masculine or feminine, and not man or woman, but again, I’m not entirely sure on that because sometimes I do feel very strongly like a man, other times I feel strongly like a woman, sometimes I feel extremely neutrally aligned, and other times I feel completely genderless. So I guess non-binary and genderfluid I could just use together, even though I only want to use one label.
If I really had to sum it up into three labels, I would say: genderfluid, aroace, and pansexual.
My mom and I have been talking about cashing my checks at the bank, and I’m just so scared to do it because I don’t want to have my birth name on my account and ID and then not be able to change it in the future. I want to legally change my name, but I have a lot of commitment issues, so I don’t really know if I actually want to do that or not, but I really, really like going by the name Rowan. The name just makes me feel so nice and comfortable with myself, but I’m scared to tell my mom that my real name is Rowan.
I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared.
— Rowan (she/he)
Have you looked at this gender? To me it sounds like how you’ve been describing your gender lately.