No! No! No! What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get over her? Last night, I had a dream about [5th grade Best Friend].
It was like a dinner or a barbecue sort of thing, and it was like on the other side of the house on the second floor or something like that—I don’t know what the dream was about in full detail. I just remember her and I were walking around a really big house and talking and playing video games together. We were playing a video game that was like The Owl House but a platformer-style game where we had to reach the top of the world, and I played as Amity and she played as Luz. Throughout the entire dream, I had a massive crush on [5th grade Best Friend], but I didn’t know how to tell her that. When I was finally able to muster up the courage to tell her how I felt about her and ask her to be my girlfriend, her face squished into a squinty smile as she said she would love to be my girlfriend. Then the entire rest of the time, we were just spending it together, hanging out, being super close, and holding hands. And it was just amazing! I didn’t want to leave her side, and I despised it when we weren’t together.
Apart from the weird feeling with my teacher in the 2nd grade (that totally doesn’t count as anything), [5th grade Best Friend] Was the first girl I had ever had a crush and a smush on (crush = romantic, smush = sexual). Is that why I can’t get over her? I don’t know, but it’s been like 6 or 7 years since I last saw her.
I really wish I knew her tiktok account so I could see her. A long, long time ago, I remember that she would post things about her furry costumes or those masks, and that she would do the most popular dance at the time and whatever.
Actually going back and thinking about my life, I have had a crush on at least 4 different girls (irl girls, not cartoon girls. The number would be so much higher if we counted cartoon girls). A heterosexual woman would not feel like this about someone of the same sex. They would not have a crush and a smush on a girl! This is undeniable proof that I am bisexual. And I could just be bisexual with a male lean because I’ve had more crashes on boys than I have girls.
We were 12. I’m 18 now. She’s probably way different. And I hate that thought.
This hurts. Knowing I’ll never see her again. She meant so much to me. She was my first-ever real friend. All my friends before her felt more like fake friends, like they felt pity for me because I had no friends.
— Rowan (they/she)
You might be experiencing internalized homophobia
^How so? /genq
Ahh, nevermind. Sorry i just read a part of one of the paragraphs and assumed /gen